Growing up I didn’t enjoy Recess. I know I’m in the vast minority, but considering I was a sensitive boy whose limbs flailed manically when he ran, I believe it’s warranted. It wasn’t until I reached High School that being a shy-sensitive type who looked funny when he ran became less detrimental. Of course I was still below-average at sports – or above average at looking weird doing them – which resulted in my life being composed of 89-99% less dick-related competitions and 70% less locker-room towel snapping. It also affected my success with women who were quick to say that: yes sensitive’s a positive quality (long pause) in some women’s eyes. The reality of it is, to High School girls sensitive’s a positive quality if you’re movie-star gorgeous. Everything is. Ryan Gosling could have been running full speed down the dock at Rachel Macadams, arms over his head, legs kicking out as he yells “I WANT TO KISS YOU AND I HOPE YOU DON’T MIND IF I CRY AFTER” and it still would have been a good look. Meanwhile I build a house for a girl and write her 365 times in the Stephen King horror flick “Is He Going to MURDER ME?”
You probably know the old adage, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. But did you know the original saying was, “Nothing tastes as good as Steak and Wine”? In 1963 America’s top Meat Distributors coined the far more logical phrase in an attempt to increase American meat spending (AMS). The popular saying was used in a series of ads featuring a cigarette smoking Doctor, played by Clint Eastwood, feeding “wine-softened” steak to a new born baby. This ad ran for a couple years before “actual medical science” pushed it from the airways. The saying then re-emerged nearly 20 years later in a Cosmo article written by health nut, Ronald Reagan. An excerpt from his 1983 article reads “Kids need to work out, we don’t need fat kids, we like totally just don’t. Besides nothing TASTES as good as SKINNY FEELS”
For most of you, I’m nothing more than a guy who tells jokes on the internet and loves Ryan Gosling. This is fine with me, and in all honesty I don’t think our relationship usually requires more than a mutual love to laugh. But in the wake of yesterday’s tragedy, I believe it’s necessary to open up to you in order to properly convey my feelings. Not on the subject of shootings or gun control, but on the subject of inexplicable tragedy.
I’ve been truly blessed. For 19 years I never experienced the death of anyone close to me. It wasn’t until this summer when a friend lost his battle with Cancer (Fuck Cancer) that I understood how painful it is. I can only assume my understanding is a fraction of what those affected by these tragedies must feel. It’s sad that I have to write “tragedies” and not just tragedy. That fact alone is enough for me to understand why people say they’ve lost faith in humanity. I get it, but I don’t agree. What I saw yesterday was humanity in despair over senseless and unthinkable actions. People confused, outraged and heartbroken over the loss of children they’ll never meet, and for the parents, who’s meaning of Christmas has been changed forever. I know some people do terrible things, but I will only lose my faith in humanity if we become numb to tragedy. As I’ve said, what I saw, felt and discussed yesterday was far from numb.
The majority of us are incredibly lucky. Over the next few days our lives will return to normal and twitter will once again be filled with jokes and your friends talking about, say, Ryan Gosling? (As I said I love Ryan Gosling). So moving forward, what is there to learn from tragedy? My limited experience has only brought deeper meaning to things I already knew. For example
Never take your parents for granted. This is easy for me to say now that I’ve realized how amazing my parents are. I’m baffled how they could love me so much. They’ve put hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars (I’m an expensive diva) into me; meeting my needs and my wants. In return I ruined all the photos we took in San Francisco by making dumb faces, I drank all my Dad’s beer (I bought him some too), threw up in my bed from drinking too much (vodka, not my Dad’s beer), and grew a beard my mother described as “shaveable”. But when it comes down to it, all they ask is that I’m happy and maybe love them back half as much as they love me. Sounds like they’re pretty big suckers, but they’ve made a good case for loving them, hey? I’m sure your parents have too.
On that same note, love and appreciate your friends, because they put up with your bullshit, Terry.
(But seriously, I have amazing friends)
Don’t waste your time on people who don’t have interest in you, or things that you’re not interested in. We’ve all had a relationship, or a crush that didn’t pan out. A friend that we’ve neglected while trying to be popular. I’ve spent time on relationships I knew weren’t right. Falling for the wrong girls, and when it didn’t work, trying to be their friend (in my case a mistake). All these decisions taught me life is best spent with people who love you, doing things that you’re passionate about.
Spend time doing things you love, because it will unconditionally give you back so much more than you expect. You may not be able to count on that one girl or boy devoting her/himself to you, but you can ALWAYS invest in yourself.
Secondly to reiterate my previous point, it’s so important to love and appreciate your friends, because they put up with your bullshit, thanks guys.
Life is far too short to take people for granted. Tragedies are if nothing else brutal, horrific reminders of this. Reminders that if you love someone, to let them know it. Whether it’s your parents, who you owe so much more than love, or your Best Friend who you met in Kindergarten and are still friends with to this day. It’s about them and everyone in between who’s given you the time of day to return a text, listen to you complain or even give you a retweet. Life is about figuring out who’s important, and trying to return everything they give you. Even if all you have to offer is your time of day and a kind word.
In sports, nothing is more iconic than the Gatorade Shower. Known by many names the “Princeton Pour” or, “Diabetes Waterfall”, represents exuberance and celebration in its purest form. But this “organish golden shower” is not for the casual park pick-up player. No, it’s a testament to excellence in its highest form. Coaches, such as Vince Lombardi spent their lives chasing the ultimate-dream of having 5 to 6 burly, athletic men, pour cold sugar water onto them. A goal accomplished by far too few. The most heartbreaking example of this dream going unrealized comes in the form of the Buffalo Bills. From 1990-93 they sat on the sidelines drinking Gatorade (the lamest thing you can do with it) while being forced to watch 4 different teams pour electrolytes out onto the field. In a way this gesture is a small way of saying; we don’t need Gatorade since all we’ll be drinking from now on is Champagne (very wasteful mindset). There are many Hall of Famers who still enjoy the “Champagne Diet” years after winning it all.
Micheal Jordan (a champion) lived off nothing but Champagne while managing the Bobcats to 7-59 last season. Larry Bird (another winner) drunk drove a Tractor through a Walgreens after winning a ring in ’86. Joe Montana stands on the border of Wyoming and yells “NOW ENTERING JOE” at passing cars (while horrendously drunk on Champagne). But as fun as those sports celebrations probably were, the “Gatorade Shower” tops them all. In fact, it’s so popular that you can see adaptions of this celebration in many non-athletic activities.
In the adult film community when they’re finishing a particularly award winning porn-shoot, they pour a bucket of lube over the director.
I dumped a bucket of pencils over my friend, Terry’s, head then called him a NERD after he completed a Sudoku.
Throw up into your girlfriends lap in celebration of her taking care of you and your drinking problem!
Shower after a hard days work (the original “Gatorade Shower”)
Clumsily slip and spill a pot of piping hot marinara sauce on a customer to celebrate being a cartoon Italian stereotype.
What causes procrastination? This is a difficult question to answer, but with enough concentration and hard work, there’s no doubt I’ll be able to put an answer down on paper. But how can I, in good conscious, put something “down” on paper when I don’t understand how it’s made. I take off to Google to research the “Paper Making Process”. After searching for what seemed like minutes (aka forever), I found that paper is composed mainly of trees that have been broken down into pulp. Once that process is complete, anything can be printed on it, including Erotica for middle aged women. It’s strange to think that a tree begins its life as an insignificant seed, growing for decades into a natural tower, only to be turned into 50 Shades of Grey. That seems a bit anti-climactic and because of this I hope they’re only allowed to use trees that fell onto houses or cars, to make those books. Sex Books + Trees on Houses. Oops, I meant to type that into Google, what was I writing about?
I’m confused. I should collect my thoughts and take a Facebook break to “social network” all the people I went to High School with. And by “social network” I mean apathetically stalk people I used to date. It’s a small comfort knowing what they’re up to. Although we will never be in love again, I can still see her write inspirational quotes on the internet (our favorite activity when we dated). Her status was particularly rousing today. “You’ll have to run, if you want to chase your dreams”. I’m going to give that a lot of thought as I scroll through my newsfeed for a couple hours….HOLY SHIT LUKE GOT A NEW CAR. Sick rim kit on that Toyota. I’m really contemplating posting “Did your dad give you that Rim Job” onto the picture. Will he get mad? On one hand, I’m clearly joking (It’s a brilliant play on words). But then again Luke is such a spaz. The other day he posted “Fuck the Titanic” for like no reason. Why are you getting angry at a boat that sank decades ago? Hmmmm I’m just going to write it in the comment box and contemplate sending it for the next hour and a half. Ah fuck it I’ll delete it, but then again maybe not. These are big life decisions.
Oh wow I just fell asleep on the spacebar. Chhhhh Houston we have a problem Chhhhh There are no sexy space ladies Chhhhh At this Space Bar Chhhhh Total Space Sausage Fest. I bet $50 dollars that Neil Armstrong said that at one point in his life. He was probably always talking about Space, but can you blame him? I don’t think anything on Earth would be half as exciting as gracefully bounding across the Moon. I picture Neil in his later years slowly skipping down a boulevard wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Khaki Pants and a Space Helmet. A middle aged man and his son salute him and call him “Space Cowboy”. R.I.P Space Cowboy/American Hero/Star Kisser/Moon Licker.
Okay so Procrastination, wow if I were to write about procrastination where would I start. The fridge? I mean it doesn’t matter if I’m really hungry or not, right? It’s totally legal to just stare into it for 5-10 minutes in order to let all the cold air out (not to mention, that it’s a key step in maintaining your fridge). But now that this once cool refuge of food is luke-warm, I must eat some of this food in order to prevent spoiling. I’m not excited about having to devour this entire ham, but I’m willing to jump on this delicious salty grenade. I’m an America Hero, while my waistline remains an “American Zero” (AKA a 38 waistline). I have no regret, only an overwhelming sense that ham is now pumping through my veins. But the fact that I may die from my heart clogging with salty meat won’t stop me from checking my Twitter. As I stated earlier in this article, with enough concentration and hard work, I’ll be able to check my Twitter. I’m only going to go on for a minute to check if my tweet “Tits are boobiful” did well. I hope a celebrity retweeted it, check that, I hope that Taylor Swift retweeted it AND followed me. That would be #swagboss.
Well she didn’t retweet it or follow me, but while I’m here I might as well check out if Rob Delaney has tweeted anything about hefty women. His twitter feed is like an amazing list of sexual dos and don’ts (mostly dos). So incredible what I’ve learned from that website. Such as, things that can’t be condensed into 140 characters or less shouldn’t be said. Books are useless. You can talk to Obama through the internet because you’re an important person. We’re all important people. Buttholes. I know a lot about buttholes now, among other things. I’ve filled myself with facts, and in the process, transformed myself into a ripe fruit, bursting with “internet knowledge”. Soon I’ll be ready to apply what I’ve learned to the world, and to this paper. So in summary, what are the causes of procrastination? Let me get back to you on that.
This took 87 hours collectively, and 14 minutes of work to complete
Preparation for this interview began the better part of 19 years ago. I first met Steven in the spring of ’93 on a day described to me as “pretty sunny” and “snow-meltingly warm”. I’ve been lucky (as well as unlucky) enough to spend every day since keenly observing and (over) analyzing all the small, insignificant decision he makes. I was there in grade 2, when he witnessed a snowball fight and started to cry. In grade 5, he cried once again when his teacher asked him to “please be quiet”. In High School he nearly sent a text containing the phrase “sheeple” to a girl he liked; a close-call he still reflects on to this day. But despite what history would suggest, Steven is more than a tear soaked Ryan Gosling fan girl. I hoped that this interview would shed some light on the man, behind the woman, behind the man.
(Sits down in room)
Thanks for agreeing to do this interview Steven, before I start I’d just like to say that’s a really smashing beard you’ve got there
Thanks, my mom doesn’t particularly like it.
Well luckily your body’s nobody’s body but yours. May I touch it (your beard)?
Let me see your hands (pauses) yeah I guess you can.
Okay now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’d like to get down to business. Who inspires you?
I’d like to say my number one inspiration is dogs. They’re so inhabited, they do what they want, and really embody the saying “shit like nobody’s watching”. Also J-Beibs taught me to Never Say Never. I have to admit it’s kind of a double edged sword. I’ve almost been kidnapped several times when I Never Said Never to strangers telling me to get in their vans. But in that same breath I’ve also tried a lot of neat foods that I never would have otherwise. Avocados, lettuce and bread to name few.
What’s it like being Canadian?
Well you have to really appreciate the cold weather. I’ve seen beer commercials that say something along the lines of “You’re only Canadian if you love the cold” paired up with images of that helicopter freezing and exploding in “The Day After Tomorrow”.
If I can cut in for a second, would you agree that Jake Gyllenhaal is a rather handsome man.
Oh totally, he’s such a dreamboat. But anyway where was I. OH right, cold weather, I don’t love feeling freezing cold, but snow is beautiful, the ODR [Outdoor Rink] is a lot of fun, and tobogganing is a blast. Other than that I think Canada is a lot like America except politically, in which we’re a little more left-leaning. I love the free healthcare; I can get checked up whenever I want. I get my prostate checked 3 times a week. I’m on a first name basis with my doctor. Sometimes Tim [my doctor] and I go golfing.
What do you look for in a woman?
I like anything that points to the fact that she’s a crazy, high maintenance girl. Like for example if I see a woman with a buzz-cut and ask her “Did you shave your head to support cancer research?” and she responds “What’s Cancer” and does a handstand while screaming “GUCCI GUCCI FENDI FENDI PRADA”. Well I’m going to want to put a ring on that finger. That’s really a quixotic vision of a woman, so If I’m being realistic I’ll probably end up settling for a girl who’s regular crazy.
If you’re going to be a douche and use fancy words, would you at least mind explaining what they mean?
Of course, quixotic basically means although what you’ve described is quintessential; it’s not attainable in all good reason.
Wow, you are a piece of work. Having a “Word a Day” calendar doesn’t make you Jesus Christ
Sorry nothing. Moving on, what’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever asked for?
Well I recently found a Christmas list from when I was 5, and among other things I asked for a 24K gold ring. In my defense I was a pretty big diva. I had just discovered Madonna, my favorite song of hers being “Material Girl”. In my mind, to get mad playground pick-ups you had to accessorize. Plus Santa HAD to bring me whatever I asked for because I was a middle class white kid. It’s strange that every single middle-class white kid was good every single year. I guess we’re just fantastic caring people.
What do you think of cigarettes?
Cigarettes are cool. In fact I’d like to expand on that by saying that almost anything bad for your health is cool. Do you want to live to be 2049 on a diet of lettuce and literacy, then one day just blow away into boring space dust? Or do you want to jump a rocket-powered skateboard over a lion and forever be remembered as “that guy who did that thing”. Your choice, I’m not judging people who want to be 2049 but I’m just saying doing things that are bad for your health is much cooler.
What was High School like for you?
It was alright, if I could go back I would have changed our Graduation theme to “It’s no longer appropriate that you like 16 year old girls”. I think that’s something that some people don’t realize until a couple months after they graduate. Rather than something that’s inspirational like “All the Places You’ll Go” it should be “Some of You Will Get Fat” or “No Tim, I’m Not Going to Come to the Club to Watch You DJ” (A very specific title). Also people seem to mellow out after all the high school peer pressure is off. Can definitely say some people are a lot friendlier now than they used to be (hopefully myself included)
When you die, what would you like God to say to you, if he exists?
I literally didn’t know you could actually DIE of embarrassment but here we are, and that’s coming from me, the Notorious G.O.D.
I’d like to thank you again for sitting down with me, one last question. Are you worried people will see you interviewing yourself as kind of narcissistic?
Maybe a little bit. I hope that they see this for what I intended it to be. An exaggeration of the self-evaluation we all do on a daily basis. I think we interview ourselves quite a bit and don’t realize it.
God you’re so smart and….
Okay now it’s getting narcissistic
I’ll go with self-absorbed.
After the magic of Halloween comes to an end, the wonderful, and less talked about Discount Candy Days (or DCD) begins. Discount Candy Days (AKA The Month Formally Known As November) is when we “adopt” the forgotten candy of the Halloween season (We are such good people). On November 1st I make the long and treacherous journey to Wal-Mart in order to obtain enough candy to last me from now until Christmas. I search the (mega) store and eventually find bins of candy set up next to left over fake cobwebs and a plastic witch. I fill my arms with boxes, pausing to have a solemn moment of reflection.
I think about how this candy failed to get to its intended destination; in the hands of obese, diabetic children dressed as “The Avengers”. I know, like any good American, that it’s my duty to find this candy a home (my stomach). I begin my trek to the register with 12 boxes of “sweet sinsations” lovingly balanced in my arms. It should come as no surprise that I do this with ease. My broad shoulders and ripped core create the perfect center of brawn and balance. Although I can’t see over the boxes I navigate by listening to the world around me. I’ve seen the movie “Daredevil” enough times (47 times) to know that our sight is not the only sense guiding us.
In the corner of my eye I see a man in a Canadian Tuxedo slowly clapping in approval. What’s even more impressive is he does this despite the fact that he too is carrying 5 boxes of candy, as well as 2 children (age 3 and 5) under his arm like a football. I nod back at him, twirling my finger and dip my head in an “I bow to you good sir” motion. As I reach the cash register I gracefully place my boxes of candy into a delicious, self-built candy pyramid.
People discretely take pictures of this modern masterpiece on their smartphones and upload them onto Instagram with the hashtag #FuckEgyptiansThisTheRealShit. I’m honored but I remind them the Pyramids took hundreds of years, and that this candy structure only took seconds (and 19 years of preparation) to build. We all are humbled by this fact; Discount Candy Days is a time of learning.
I put the purchase on my Credit Card (like an adult) and walk out of the store triumphantly. Heading towards my 1992 White Ford Bronco (Not the same one OJ drove) I see a child’s jaw literally drop to the pavement. His mother drags him toward the store as his chin scrapes against the pavement.
I remember in Novembers of past, I was that kid. Now I’m an ADULT with a charge card and the ability to carry (conservatively speaking) 1000 boxes of candy. I’m strong enough to carry more, but I just don’t think I have the balance.
Regardless I buckle in my candy to protect it in the event of a crash and take it home ready to spread joy to my mouth hole, and coincidentally my stomach (they tag team food). When I get through the door my first order of business is to select one of my patented “eating food” mix tapes. I search through my fanny pack of cassette tapes eventually settling on “Vanilla Ice’s Greatest Hits #2” (He has a lot of hits, as well as vanilla being a type of food/flavor depending on how you like to view it). Then I PUT, IN, WORK, portioning out my candy until I have roughly 100 bite size candies per day for the remainder of the month. For people who think that this amount of candy is “unhealthy” please consider the following.
These are “one bite” candies so the question becomes how many calories, fat, cholesterol, salt is exactly in one bite? Well I’m glad you asked, science is close to finding exact answers to these questions but what we can say for sure that per bite the amounts are pretty uniform regardless of what food you’re eating. For example how many bites are in a sandwich? 10? 100? Infinity? Let’s be realistic for a second and say you’re eating the NEW Subway Tuscan Chicken Melt, so I’ll average 200 (if I’m eating quickly due to my hunger). That means if you eat 100 BITE SIZE candies you’re getting about the same amount of calories, fat, cholesterol, and salt as half of that NEW Subway Tuscan Chicken Melt. So in reality you’re not even close to meeting your (calorie/fat/cholesterol/salt) in take for the day. If you want to challenge me on this please know that I have extensively “Ask Jeeves’d” this issue. You are best to just accept the fact that I’m much more knowledgeable on the subject than you are.
So enjoy this joyful month. If you are wise you’ll spend “The Month Formally Known as November” eating, loving, and growing (not around the waist line; your heart will grow. Proof: My abs). So when the spooky season of Halloween is over (Or a ghosts say Halloooooooooooween; A festive ghost joke for you) put on your sweatpants, get in your 1992 White Ford Bronco and make the tremendous trek to Wal-Mart. I’ll see you there.
Go Trick or Treating- As an adult you are the pariah of Trick or Treat. (Side note: A synonym of pariah is “outlaw” so feel free to switch the words in your mind). You are expected to drop your Tricking ways and stick to Treating; asking children “What Are You” despite knowing that he’s clearly Iron Man from the Avengers. So how do you break these societal shackles? Well my best suggestion would be to plan ahead. 9 or maybe 10 months before Halloween find a friend who too would like to go trick or treating. Use your bodies to create a human life, dress it up as Iron Man from the Avengers, and take him/her trick or treating. If you don’t have 9 months to do this (that’s usually how long it takes) then “borrow” someone’s child or use witch craft. Last ditch effort find a fountain of youth, but make sure before going in it’s not one of those ones that sends you forward in time. Won’t make that mistake hahaha #SummerBummer2009
Give out Apples and Toothpaste- Imagine a group of children approaching your house with pillow cases full of candy. Their tiny faces full of chagrin, looking in his candy bag one says “This won’t help us get our daily nutrition”. The other nods in agreement chiming in “Yeah and talk about the damage this will do to our teeth, I intend to have these choppers till I’m 10”. Enter you, their savior, dressed appropriately in a jack-o-lantern themed cardigan. You hold out a bowl of apples seeing their faces light up. “Only take a handful each” you tell them. They eagerly reach into the bowl taking one apple each, “HEY! This fits perfectly into my hand,” one remarks. The other agrees “Yes, the perfect sized snack, natures candy indeed”. Adding to the excitement, you casually toss a couple travel size Colgate Totals you stole from the Sheraton Resort during your vacation in Hoboken, New Jersey. You’re a hero, and remember nothing says “Definitely Not Tampered With” like a bruised bowl of fruit on Halloween.
Practice Witch Craft- Are you bored? Do you just happen to have a Demonic Altar, complete with candles, the skull of a bull, and a signed copy of “The Book of Shadows”? No? Well do you have a self-made Ouija board forged in the fires of hell (or an old pizza box with the alphabet written on it in sharpie)? Great now you can get started putting spells on that super slut Jenni Castells (Barf), or even talking to your dead ancestors. Here are some possible questions to ask them
- What was it like playing with a hoop and stick? (their generations iPad/Xbox/Motorbike/Angry Birds)
- As a ghost, do you still have polio?
- What is polio?
- Is it anything like the popular pool/children’s game Marko Polio?
See Paranormal Activity #??????- Come Halloween the question on everyone’s mind becomes “What are America’s favorite demons/ghosts up to”. Perhaps you’re reading this in the year is 2036 and you’re on your way to “Paranormal Activity 239308: Stop Taking My Blanket While I’m Sleeping”. It’s obviously not as fresh as “Paranormal Activity 12098: Why Don’t We Just Move?”, or “Paranormal 19889: Jews in the Attic (A somewhat racist adaptation of Fiddler on the Roof)” but you’ve seen all 239307 of them so why stop now. If the commercials with “candid shots” of audience members are in the least bit true then you will probably die in the theater thus ending this horrible cycle.