Preparation for this interview began the better part of 19 years ago. I first met Steven in the spring of ’93 on a day described to me as “pretty sunny” and “snow-meltingly warm”. I’ve been lucky (as well as unlucky) enough to spend every day since keenly observing and (over) analyzing all the small, insignificant decision he makes. I was there in grade 2, when he witnessed a snowball fight and started to cry. In grade 5, he cried once again when his teacher asked him to “please be quiet”. In High School he nearly sent a text containing the phrase “sheeple” to a girl he liked; a close-call he still reflects on to this day. But despite what history would suggest, Steven is more than a tear soaked Ryan Gosling fan girl. I hoped that this interview would shed some light on the man, behind the woman, behind the man.
(Sits down in room)
Thanks for agreeing to do this interview Steven, before I start I’d just like to say that’s a really smashing beard you’ve got there
Thanks, my mom doesn’t particularly like it.
Well luckily your body’s nobody’s body but yours. May I touch it (your beard)?
Let me see your hands (pauses) yeah I guess you can.
Okay now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’d like to get down to business. Who inspires you?
I’d like to say my number one inspiration is dogs. They’re so inhabited, they do what they want, and really embody the saying “shit like nobody’s watching”. Also J-Beibs taught me to Never Say Never. I have to admit it’s kind of a double edged sword. I’ve almost been kidnapped several times when I Never Said Never to strangers telling me to get in their vans. But in that same breath I’ve also tried a lot of neat foods that I never would have otherwise. Avocados, lettuce and bread to name few.
What’s it like being Canadian?
Well you have to really appreciate the cold weather. I’ve seen beer commercials that say something along the lines of “You’re only Canadian if you love the cold” paired up with images of that helicopter freezing and exploding in “The Day After Tomorrow”.
If I can cut in for a second, would you agree that Jake Gyllenhaal is a rather handsome man.
Oh totally, he’s such a dreamboat. But anyway where was I. OH right, cold weather, I don’t love feeling freezing cold, but snow is beautiful, the ODR [Outdoor Rink] is a lot of fun, and tobogganing is a blast. Other than that I think Canada is a lot like America except politically, in which we’re a little more left-leaning. I love the free healthcare; I can get checked up whenever I want. I get my prostate checked 3 times a week. I’m on a first name basis with my doctor. Sometimes Tim [my doctor] and I go golfing.
What do you look for in a woman?
I like anything that points to the fact that she’s a crazy, high maintenance girl. Like for example if I see a woman with a buzz-cut and ask her “Did you shave your head to support cancer research?” and she responds “What’s Cancer” and does a handstand while screaming “GUCCI GUCCI FENDI FENDI PRADA”. Well I’m going to want to put a ring on that finger. That’s really a quixotic vision of a woman, so If I’m being realistic I’ll probably end up settling for a girl who’s regular crazy.
If you’re going to be a douche and use fancy words, would you at least mind explaining what they mean?
Of course, quixotic basically means although what you’ve described is quintessential; it’s not attainable in all good reason.
Wow, you are a piece of work. Having a “Word a Day” calendar doesn’t make you Jesus Christ
What?
Sorry nothing. Moving on, what’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever asked for?
Well I recently found a Christmas list from when I was 5, and among other things I asked for a 24K gold ring. In my defense I was a pretty big diva. I had just discovered Madonna, my favorite song of hers being “Material Girl”. In my mind, to get mad playground pick-ups you had to accessorize. Plus Santa HAD to bring me whatever I asked for because I was a middle class white kid. It’s strange that every single middle-class white kid was good every single year. I guess we’re just fantastic caring people.
What do you think of cigarettes?
Cigarettes are cool. In fact I’d like to expand on that by saying that almost anything bad for your health is cool. Do you want to live to be 2049 on a diet of lettuce and literacy, then one day just blow away into boring space dust? Or do you want to jump a rocket-powered skateboard over a lion and forever be remembered as “that guy who did that thing”. Your choice, I’m not judging people who want to be 2049 but I’m just saying doing things that are bad for your health is much cooler.
What was High School like for you?
It was alright, if I could go back I would have changed our Graduation theme to “It’s no longer appropriate that you like 16 year old girls”. I think that’s something that some people don’t realize until a couple months after they graduate. Rather than something that’s inspirational like “All the Places You’ll Go” it should be “Some of You Will Get Fat” or “No Tim, I’m Not Going to Come to the Club to Watch You DJ” (A very specific title). Also people seem to mellow out after all the high school peer pressure is off. Can definitely say some people are a lot friendlier now than they used to be (hopefully myself included)
When you die, what would you like God to say to you, if he exists?
I literally didn’t know you could actually DIE of embarrassment but here we are, and that’s coming from me, the Notorious G.O.D.
I’d like to thank you again for sitting down with me, one last question. Are you worried people will see you interviewing yourself as kind of narcissistic?
Maybe a little bit. I hope that they see this for what I intended it to be. An exaggeration of the self-evaluation we all do on a daily basis. I think we interview ourselves quite a bit and don’t realize it.
God you’re so smart and….
Okay now it’s getting narcissistic
I’ll go with self-absorbed.
